I Now Like Beetroot…

I now like beetroot

A few weeks ago, my mum gave Jesse some beetroot, he loved it! At this point I thought, right, she’s been telling me how nice this stuff is for years and I’ve refused to even contemplate trying any. But there, in front of me, was my one year old, stuffing his face with it (standard practice for him though). Right, come on, get it down you, I thought- I popped some in my mouth and, low and behold, I loved it and I now have it with every salad, omelet and, come to think of it, most food I have. So… this brings me on to my latest point. Taking and giving advice. See, if I’d have taken my mum’s advice years ago, I wouldn’t have missed out on all these years of beetrooty enjoyment. My salads would have been more scrumptious and I’d have had a few more years of realising it’s essential to wash your hands straight after handling the stuff to avoid spending the day with purple fingers. I chose not to listen to that little bit of advice, preferring instead to turn my nose up at it. So yes, I missed out on that pearl of wisdom, thankfully not a serious miss, but when is it ok to dish out advice and, more importantly, when do we know when to take or dump said words of wisdom?

I consider myself to be quite strong minded. If I’ve set my heart on something, it’s very unlikely that anyone’s advice will sway me from doing it. But is that a good thing?  Take my tattoo, for example: when I was in uni in London, A few friends and I made a rash decision to get our first initial tattooed somewhere on our bodies. I’d decided to have a D on my wrist and my friends, both with and A as their first initial decided on a similar position. We got to the shop, and were quoted £50 for a tiny little tattoo. My friends backed out, “That’s ridiculous money, we’ll look somewhere else, and anyway, I think we should think it through first!” My friends insisted that their minds were made up and tried to persuade me to do the same. But, I’d made up my mind and I had it done anyway. Needless to say, nearly ten years later, I wish I hadn’t and I can think of far better things I could have done with that £50! However, there’s also the time I decided to drop out of said uni. Despite my mum’s protestations, arguments, rants and her insistence that I would completely regret my decision, I went ahead and dropped out anyway. I wasn’t enjoying it and the course wasn’t what I thought it would be. Turns out, it was one of the best things I ever did and I haven’t ever regretted it. So, there we have it, two examples where taking advice could have helped and could have hindered me. And obviously there have been countless other times where this has been the case. Times I should have listened to others and times I’m glad I stuck with what I thought to be the better option.

I do though, find there’s nothing better than having a chat with friends or family when there’s something playing on your mind; listening to their advice and wondering whether to act upon it. The same goes for when a friend has a problem- boyfriend/jobs/family woes are topics we regularly sit and discuss, trying to figure out the best course of action to take when one (or all) have caused us a headache. Although I’d love to say that there is nothing that can’t be solved with a nice cuppa tea and a chat, sometimes, no matter how good the advice, the comparisons, or the listening ear, some things just have to run their course (yet we do still manage to sink a few pots of tea whilst chatting, anything’s worth a try, hey!). It’s with this in mind that sometimes, after I’ve been chatting and giving my opinion on a friend’s issues, I sometimes think, God I wish I had just shut up. See, not everyone wants to know what you think or your experience or how you did something a bit better. Yet I’m pretty sure we all still do it.

Take children- I find that other mothers are the first to give advice and you’ll often see some women, and men, put statuses on Facebook or Twitter asking for advice on how to do something concerning their child. Weaning their little one, potty training, how to deal with tantrums are among the countless concerns we feel like we need advice for. Great, if they’ve asked for it, provide it! But what about if a mother or father hadn’t asked? Is it ever ok to impart your experiences on them in order for them to change the way they do something? Is it ever ok to say ohhhh no, don’t do it that way! (As if the parental handbook was written by your fair hand).

Still, I’m forever dishing out parental advice or feeding on bit of information I’ve been given by other parents but that’s not to say that it’s of any use or that it’s even welcomed. I can’t help but think that sometimes, just listening to a new mother venting about the fact that her newborn is up every hour, or a friend who is having boyfriend woes, is good enough. Why do we feel the need to give our ten pence worth… ? Yes my children were (are) awful sleepers, I’d love for someone to give me a magic formula to guarantee Jesse would stay asleep past 5am but, it’s not out there (I’ve tried bloody everything).  To add to that is the constant email updates (signed up to when the boys were but bumps) advising me what my child should be doing at each particular milestone. Again, it’s all interesting but sometimes all of this advice, wisdom and experience can be a huge hindrance.

EXAMPLE– potty training! I remember discussing this topic with another mum whilst studying for our PGCE-

“well” she said, “both of mine were potty trained, day and night, within 4 days.” Wow, I thought.. “I don’t know” she continued, “why some parents take so long to do it!”

I managed a nod and a smile- but inside I was thinking, shit! (Obviously I wasn’t going to give the game away that I was nowhere bloody near this effort and I was more like 4 months and still trying with this particular task). At the time Regan was nearly three, just about getting out of accidents in the day, and no where near dry in the nights, so you can imagine how well hearing her experience went down. It immediately sent me into panic mode. I tried that night to get rid of nappies, waking up to pop him on the toilet before putting him back to bed in the hope that he’d be dry in the morning. No luck that time, or, for that matter, for a good few years. I went out and actually bought books; read every internet post I could find on the topic; put a potty in his room; contemplated getting rid of his much loved ‘ladder bed’ for a normal single bed so it would be easier for him to use said potty and, of course, racked the brains of grandparents and friends with children. Again, no luck. In the end, it actually took until he was 5 before we finally got him out of nappies in the night and we’re still not without the odd accident. We got there, though, and it didn’t matter that it took a few years instead of a few days. But as a result of hearing how well the woman potty trained her children, I still wonder if I did something wrong when I went through the process with Regan. Would it have changed the way I went about things had I not heard her experience? Who knows, eh!

Similarly, when Regan was born and I’d sit there cuddling him, I’d always be thinking of the advice people had given- don’t hold him too long, you’re making a rod for your own back, they’d say. So I’d put him down instead of snuggling on the sofa with him… I regretted this for a good few years. I felt I’d missed out on a lot of little cuddles because I’d listened to other people’s advice. And, as soon as he could move, his cuddles went out the window. It took until he was about three before he’d sit and snuggle up again and I’ve definitely made the most of any cuddles up for grabs with both of my boys every since. However, watching a mother carrying her newborn baby the other day, whilst he slept in her arms, her partner beside her pushing the pram, the first thought I had was, oh no, you’re making a rod for your own back. Why? Knowing the regret I had from listening to people who said it to me. Anyway, there’s no way I would ever say that out loud and, if anything, I’d encourage any mother or father to make the most of those little snuggles and not worry about those who tell them other wise. I’m sure though, there are some who would say that providing that bit of advice is wrong, too. It’s a blumin’ minefield!

Now obviously I’m not saying not to give advice, I’m not suggesting that using your experiences in order to help people is always a bad thing, either. I just wonder whether sometimes, unless asked, is it better to keep from overbearing others with your advice and experiences? Take Rhys, for example, he often gets people coming up to him after a game or in the street, advising him on what would have been a better method, or what he could have done differently. Fortunately, Rhys is the type to just smile, nod and give a “yeah, cheers” once they’ve completed their analysis of the game. Is that ok, though? Arguably, if you’re in the public eye you open yourself up to moments such as these but is it ever ok? I remember once doing something similar myself, I just dropped into conversation that maybe he should try and get the ball out a bit quicker. He just looked at me and laughed with an accompanying WHAT? I don’t really know why I said it, probably because I’d read what someone on Twitter had written (and obviously their advice is gospel, right?) because I really am not great with the rules or anything to do with rugby- basically, I haven’t got a clue and rely on my best friend to explain what’s going on. Needless to say, he didn’t feel the need to act on my ill given words of wisdom and that was the last time I felt the need to advise him on his techniques.

So yes, we all do it, provide advice, and I think even when it hasn’t been asked for, it’s rarely dished out as a negative thing. I know whenever I’ve felt the need to give my view (happens a lot- see above comment about knowing when to pipe down) it’s never to cause any hurt but I genuinely feel as though I could be helping someone out. But sometimes, I wonder whether it’s a case of stepping back and realising that, sometimes, some things are just better left unsaid……………